Online Pickup Lines—What Not to Do

I came from a generation before computers and cell phones were household items. Dating meant meeting people face to face, either as strangers or friends of friends. One problem that my generation came up against still plagues current generations, only now it is in an online format.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about pickup lines.

Pickup lines are attention getters that help you narrow down the pack of nameless faces to those you might just find interesting enough to eventually share your real name. Ok, so the faces have been replaced by lines of text or abbreviated profiles or ads. If you are very lucky, you have a face to go with the text.

If you pass visual inspection, you still have to say something interesting enough to get the other party to respond, preferably more than once. Here are 10 surefire things not to start with:

Picture?

Yeah, some people will send a one-word message asking for a picture. Not cool dude, especially if you haven’t provided one of yourself. Besides, why would I want to go to the trouble before I decide if I want to have a conversation with you anyway? A picture tells you one thing only. Practically meaningless unless there is something to go with it.

ASL (age, sex, location)

Shockingly, people are still using this acronym, even when there is a fully filled out profile to refer to, but actually referring to the profile means taking a minute to—I don’t know—READ.

What are you looking for?

Again, if you start a conversation with that, it says you haven’t taken minute one to read the profile.

What is your bra size?

Really? Do I need to explain why this is offensive? Do you see my asking what your penis size is?

Text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx

Exactly why would I give a perfect stranger my phone number? The point of using a website to screen potential dates is to protect personal information until you choose to share it. That give me your digits bull didn’t work many decades ago. Why should it work now?

Do you like oral?

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Seriously? Why would I tell you that until I have decided I want your mouth anywhere near me?

Meet me for coffee. I don’t like to chat.

Right and serial killers and rapists don’t drink coffee. You are trying to meet someone through a freaking computer program. I kind of like to think you are computer literate and can keep up. You’ve only had 30 years to get used to the technology. I’m willing to bet you have no problem finding porn but it is too hard to chat with me before expecting me to trust you.

Babe…

Any greeting that includes babe, gal, girl, or chick doesn’t show due respect to a stranger. How do you know I am a babe until you get to know me? And I am certainly not a gal or a girl. Woman is good. Lady is better. Honey is fairly safe.

I’m married, but…

But nothing. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you are married, you are not ready for a relationship. If the marriage sucks so bad that you have to go looking, then get out of it and do it right. Everyone is afraid of being alone or losing everything in a divorce. Get over it. Pull up your big boy panties and be the man a good woman deserves.

I know you don’t want to talk to me

Nothing is more of a turn off than a man who has so little self-respect that he assumes up front that you don’t want to hear from him, especially if you have already taken the plunge and set up a dating profile or placed a personal ad. Do you know what comments like that really tell me? It tells me you are either desperate or a sucker who can be played so easily that it would take all the fun out of it to even try.

If you really want to find a good woman online, be honest. Be open. Be creative and say something she will remember for longer than it will take to move on to the next response.

 

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